I can’t believe I’m feeling compelled to blog about what is currently on my mind. Maybe I’ll end up saving it as a draft, re-reading it later, discovering it’s horrid and deleting it. Guess I’ll have to see how the Spirit leads.
I’m in a time of Spiritual struggle/doubt/confusion and I’m not sure how long it’s going to take to wade through it all. But I will get through it. Eventually. I got into a discussion lately with someone whose grasp of Biblical truths I value greatly. Our discussion was over a handful of Scriptures that are all related and this person is quietly confident that their interpretation is correct which is frightening since what they’ve shared means some radical changes for how I view some things as well as how I act and react.
I won’t be sharing the specifics here. The details of this are all still so fresh that just thinking about the situation as I type has me in tears! If I accept this person’s understanding of Scripture as correct, it means radically redefining some things about my life. It’s also left me feeling very exposed and vulnerable.
Without getting into a long sob story, I’ve spent much of my life feeling like God’s “illegitimate child”. You know, the one he had to take because he forgot to make an exception to that whole “whosoever will” clause. I was finally, after many years of work, beginning to get to a place where some past issues and attitudes had been confronted or admitted and were well on the way to being dealt with. But the result of this recent conversation and the resultant realization has undone much of that. It’s not that I feel unloved or unwanted by God – I’ve gotten past that, Hallelujah! But I am at a loss in some other, very personal areas of my life. I need to redefine some things, some of the roles I fulfill, and it looks like this is something I’ll be doing alone.
In earlier blogs, I commented on the weirdness that comes from being a Pastor’s wife. Moments like this – being in a place of Spiritual crisis and desperately wanting to talk to a Godly counselor – are downright painful for many members of Pastor’s families. I don’t have a Pastor in the truest sense of the word. I’m married to the man who Pastor’s the church I attend which makes it awkward to seek him out for counseling since we already have a long-established relationship. It’s impossible for me to see him as “just” my Pastor or for him to see me as “just” another church member. So I turn to writing my thoughts out in the hopes that I will discover some catharsis or have an epiphany. The reality is getting it “written down” simply relieves some of the emotional pressure.
I have no idea what the rest of this journey will look like and I’m more than a little terrified. It’s never easy to change one’s paradigm and when you have to do it alone, the task can seem insurmountable. So I rest in the reminder of Psalm 18:2 – “The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”
And of course, I’ll turn to the best comfort I can find in times like these – the gift of music. (The song in the video below is a current favorite!)